As you may have heard, Disney has decided to nix the classic “bride auction” scene on their Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Disney wants to make the ride more “family friendly.”

Now I ask you, what did pirates do? They would rape, pillage and womanize. This sort of bad behavior is pretty much what makes them pirates in the first place.

Pirates are role models for what NOT to do, not a how-to for pirate enthusiasts. This little point must have escaped Disney. Or, perhaps Disney relied on a focus group from Evergreen State College to help make the decision.

Apparently, Disney no longer wants to offend our sensibilities with any depiction – however humorously suggested – of such bad behavior, so it’s down the memory hole for the bride auction.

Disney, I’m about to show you my “larboard side.”

Hey, you know that scene where you finally get to the great pirate ship, now the Black Pearl, and the cannonballs are flying? Canon’s aren’t very family-friendly either. Imagine the potential consequences of young minds witnessing such conflict. The repercussions are frightening. Maybe they do something about that – turn it into a water-balloon fight; or even into a hug-fest, to show that people of different persuasions can come together in peace if they would just peacefully be peaceful with each other.

Or, you know, they could just turn the whole thing into the Pirates of Penzance. Oops – that’s got women in it too; wouldn’t want to exploit them by accident.

While they’re at it, I seem to recall their movie franchise, starring the infamous Johnny Depp, has numerous references to wenching: “Where we can get rum, and salty wenches, once every ten years.” Those should all be scrubbed. You don’t want to encourage alcoholism either, right?

And Captain Salazar’s ship, the Wicked Wench, ought to be airbrushed into the Wicker Bench, to avoid either reference to anything wicked, anything wenchy, and certainly to avoid any possible association between the two.

Come to think of it, what about Splash Mountain? It’s based on that totally racist Song of the South. That has to go. Turn it into Snowflake Mountain.

I wonder which part of their legacy they’re going to trash tomorrow. Frontierland? – That’s cowboys and Indians; American imperialism. That’s got to go. Tomorrowland? – It’s not natural, and threatens the environment; got to go. New Orleans Square? – Cultural appropriation of black music. Can’t have that. Fantasyland? – Fantasy is a white privilege. That has obviously got to go.

Maybe they should just get it over with – just re-theme the whole place and call it ProgressiveLand, the Harpiest Place on Earth.

Am I exaggerating? Perhaps. But progressivism is nothing if not progressive, and it ruins everything it touches. Yesterday, it was the pirates chasing women; today it’s the bride auction. Tomorrow – the .World; whatever someone can dream up next. And you can take that to Davy Jones’ Locker.


Stephen Crawford is @servative on Twitter